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A forum for the Jewish Community with resources and texts which feature discussions on the implications of the revolution in longevity for Baby Boomers and their families.
Living longer is allowing us to experience new life "stages".
We want to explore some of the rituals that are being discussed with the Jewish community that speak to these new experiences.
Some are related to children and grandchildren, passing through difficult times and experiencing new relationships.
Click on the Titles below for more Rituals
A Ritual For Leaving The Family Home
Removing The Wedding Ring After A Year Of Mourning
Is It Still Adultery If The Spouse Has Alzheimer's?
A RITUAL FOR LEAVING THE FAMILY HOME
For many of us, when we move into a new home, we affix a mezuzah with a small ceremony. We welcome the creation of a Jewish home.
Yet, when it comes time to move from that home (sometimes after decades of life), we often just lock that door and get in the car and follow the van to our next destination. As part of the our Sacred Aging program, we asked students to think about creating a small ritual that could be observed as you leave that long time residence; the place that may have seen years of life.
Michael Howald is now a rabbi in California and her created this small reading as part of his work for the Sacred Aging program. Feel free to adapt this to your experience.
Today, we close one chapter of our lives and begin another.
Every life of accomplishment contains many such passages
And our tradition marks these transitions with ritual and prayer.
When students complete a book of the Talmud
They often linger and celebrate the fulfillment of their efforts
In a lifetime filled with many chapters and completions.
Like them, we linger and celebrate all we received in this house
As we close one chapter of our lives and begin another.
We remember with gratitude the many blessings
We enjoyed under the shelter of this roof.
In this home, we built a haven from the outside world
Its walls protected us from the elements
Its light drove away the darkness that crouched at night
Its warmth nurtured our love and gave us proof against the cold.
We remember with gratitude these many blessings.
We celebrate with joy the family we built upon this foundation.
Into this home, we poured our dreams and efforts
We shared our love and filled these rooms with youthful laughter
And an argument of two along the way.
We saw our children's feet slowly gain their footing
As they learned, all too quickly, to call another place their home.
Across these floors we walked and ran and danced in equal measure
We celebrate with joy the family we built upon this foundation.
We honor with affection all those who crossed this threshold with us
From the time we first turned the key in the lock until today
Through these doors we brought our children
And welcomed our friends and family.
With those who crossed this doorway
We celebrated our triumphs and joys and shared our sorrows and fears.
With them, we marked the holidays and the milestones of our lives
They helped make this house our home.
We honor with affection all those who crossed this threshold with us.
Today we close one chapter of our lives and begin another.
May it be your will, Adoni our God, that just as You have helped us
Complete the chapter inscribed in walls, foundation and gates of this home
That You will help us to begin a new chapter in a new home.
When Jacob journeyed from Gilead, the angels of God encountered him.
When he saw them, Jacob said: "This is God's camp".
By leaving one home and making another we know we do not leave God.
As we begin a new chapter of our lives,
We pray that our new home will provide us with all the fulfillment
We enjoyed under the shelter of this roof and upon its foundation.
Cain y'hi Ratzon....be this God's will
(All say)
Baruch ata Adoni Eloheinu
Melech Ha'Olom, Sh'hechyanu, v'kiy'manu
v'higiyanu lazman ha'zeh
Blessed are you, Eternal our God, sovereign of
the universe, for granting us life, for sustaining us, and for bringing us to
this time.
Amen
Removing the Wedding Ring After Year of Mourning
Several years ago, we received a call from a colleague asking about a ritual for removing one’s wedding ring after the year of mourning was concluded.
The discussion involved a man who had come to his rabbi’s office and asked the rabbi if it was possible to come to the synagogue in the following week, to go to the bimah, the same bimah where he had been married and, a year earlier, had begun the funeral service for his wife who had died. Now, he wished to mark the end of mourning and the transition into the next phase of life through a ritual in which he would remove his wedding ring.
We were asked if we had such a ritual “in our file”. No such ritual (or file) existed and we invited the rabbi to send us what he did, assuming he decided to create such a ritual. Several weeks later we received a letter with a note from the rabbi indicating that he indeed did create such a ceremony and included the prayer. Is this for everyone? Obviously, not. Is it something to consider for individuals who find meaning in ritual? Is it something to consider, given the growing interest in creating rituals for new life stages that are now part of our increased longevity? Absolutely!
Here are two examples of such prayers. *
With This Ring
With this ring I was betrothed to you,
According to the laws of Moses, Miriam and Israel
Ecclesiastes teaches me that there is a time for everything
Especially for birth and death.
From our heritage I learned the importance of reaffirming our faith
Even at the most difficult times,
Even when in the Valley of the Shadow of Death
With the removal of this ring, I acknowledge again
That I am loosing your companionship
But the memories and love will always remain
Dear to my heart.
May they continue as an inspiration to me
And to those you touched.
May the remain a blessing,
And may we always praise God
For the gifts of life and patience,
And for the righteous judgments made.
God asks that we walk in the way of Torah.
May that continue to be my will.
Amen
This Precious Ring
This precious ring you slipped on my finger as we stood under our
chuppah
I took to my heart as a continuous circle of love.
It remained a symbol of our unity as we held our babies,
Celebrated our milestones, and soothed our hurts.
A witness to all our married days, it was once new and shining.
With the passing of years the color deepened and warmed,
As did the exquisiteness of our life together.
Now I am without you and I must move to another way of living.
I must begin a new life.
As I remove this circle of love,
I know it is not easy to let go
And surrender the memory what once was
And can no longer be.
As I heal and go forward,
I will always be strengthened by a life we cherished,
And that part of my heart that is forever yours.
Amen.
- From: “To Honor and Respect”: URJ Press.
Healing Ceremonies
This is a plug for a small, but interesting book that was passed on to me a few months ago. “Healing Ceremonies” is subtitled “Creating Personal Rituals for Spiritual, Emotional, Physical and Mental Health.” The authors, Carl A. Hammerschlag and Howard D. Silverman are both M.D.’s living in Arizona. Doctors Hammerschlag and Silverman write of the powerful impact that rituals and ceremonies have in the way we live and the way we age. They call for the creation of personal ceremonies that help mark transitions in our expanded life spans and do so by drawing on traditional and non traditional cultures, i.e. Native American ceremonies.
In the book, they make a distinction between ceremonies, which they refer to as “activities that take place only on special occasions” and thus are “consciously designed to produce beneficial effects”; and rituals which are “habits” that are done “automatically and without the conscious design and power of ceremonies”. The authors also discuss the healing impact of ceremonies in terms of a developing branch of medicine called PNI or, psychoneuroimmunology. They mention the belief in PNI that sees the body as an integrated “circuit” All parts of the body are interconnected and work together to produce health responses. They can be positive or negative in their impact. “If you stay depressed, you’ll also depress your immune system, conversely, if you feel good and can harness your body’s power, you strengthen your immune response.”
Hammerschlag and Silverman go on to note that there have been several studies that look at PNI and a link between it and ceremonies; health and healing. These studies, they say, “describe two principle links that join science and ceremonies. The first is the connection and the second is the telling of the story. Those are the means through which rituals and ceremonies help orient us during crises. Through connection and stories, rituals link us with people who make a difference in out lives. Rituals and ceremonies provide credible connections that help us get through trials.”
At jewishsacredaging.com, we have begun to look at the impact of developing new rituals and ceremonies for our expanding and extended life. We are living longer and thus experiencing new stages in life, stages that often may be enhanced by the creation of new ceremonies or the adaptation of ancient rituals and prayers. We hope to explore these in coming months and invite your contribution.
For those of you who may want to read more (and the book does include suggestions on how create new ceremonies and rituals):
HEALING CEREMONIES: Creating Personal Rituals for Spiritual, Emotional, Physical and Mental Health. Carl A. Hammerschlag, M.D. and Howard D. Silverman, M.D. Perigree Books. New York. 1997
Below is a re-print of a piece that the Reform Movement's "Ten Minutes of Torah" reprinted from an op-ed in the Jewish Forward. The subject comes up often during workshops on care-giving and new ritual expressions.
| August 31, 2007 | Week 198, Day 5 |
17 Elul 5767 |
Is it Still Adultery if the Spouse Has Alzheimer’s? Every 7.5 seconds, an American turns 60. Member of the first wave of baby boomers are joining their parents in creating a demographic tipping point unprecedented in our history. We now see the longest living, most mobile and most spiritually challenging multi-generational cohort of older adults in American history. How we respond to this challenge will go a long way toward determining the shape of religious life in the 21st century. Rituals for older adults bring substance and texture to new stages in life, and creating appropriate ones must be a part of our commitment to address extended life spans. Perhaps no scenario captures the tensions of contemporary life better than that in which a loved one must cope with caring for a spouse who is mentally and physically confined due to dementia. While there are no exact figures for the number of baby boomers currently impacted by Alzheimer’s, it is estimated that the numbers of those suffering from the disease in this country will double or even triple by 2050 as the population ages. This growing population of older adults face issues unique to their situation, and it is incumbent upon our community’s religious leaders to develop responses that address them. Take, for example, the dilemma of a healthy spouse — let’s call her Sarah — caring for her husband, who is restricted to an Alzheimer’s facility. Sarah must deal with the extended institutionalization of her spouse. She cares for him with love and dignity, but also feels that he is not really her spouse. How does Sarah handle the reality that, while on a brief respite from the demands of care giving, she met someone with whom she became friendly and intimate? She cannot discuss this with her children, or even with her circle of friends. So Sarah asks her rabbi, “Tell me, rabbi, am I doing something wrong? I love and care for my husband. But I am a healthy 70-year-old woman, who goes to work, enjoys life and has needs. Is it wrong? Am I supposed to just put my needs on hold?” Such a scenario is not at all fiction. I have heard versions of this story over and over again, across the country. These real-life situations should prompt us to reinterpret the concept of adultery. The wild card of medical technology may allow those souls afflicted with Alzheimer’s to remain “alive” for years, perhaps decades. They deserve all the love and care they receive. And yet, what of the spouse? In this scenario — one that is present in nearly every community — is the caregiver guilty of adultery? Is it not the responsibility of our religious leaders to find ways to discuss this kind of situation? For centuries, Judaism has searched its rich and powerful tradition in order to provide answers to the questions of the day. Is it not logical, and expected, that in order to address the dilemma of Sarah and others like her, ought we not turn to that same tradition? In a recent class on the impact of the longevity revolution on Jewish life, rabbinical students of mine at the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion began to engage the conversation of developing a response to Sarah’s scenario. They researched the possibility of adapting the biblical concept of pilegesh, or concubine, to reflect this changing of life stages. They also created documents for a couple to explore how Judaism could look at these issues in light of current medical realities. The longevity revolution has created a variety of new life stages, and the need to create moments of ritual that support and inform them represents a fascinating and dynamic development in contemporary religious life. We are once again confronted with the challenge of having our religion adapt to new realities. It is an opportunity to teach our values in unprecedented ways and to let our values speak to the realities of an ever-expanding life. Rabbi Richard Address is director of the Union for Reform Judaism’s Department of Jewish Family Concerns. |
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