I’m coming clean and ready to confess: I am a news junkie. From the time I awaken till I leave for work, get into and out of my car, return home, while eating dinner and before starting my evening TV shows, I am listening to CNN.
Honestly, I’ve tried to go back to the old ways and listen to my favorite music in the house and the car but from the time he walked down the escalator and accused Mexicans of being rapists, I can’t get enough of Anderson Cooper, Brook Baldwin, Don Lemon, David Axelrod, Van Jones, David Gergen, Carl Bernstein and yes, the Republican, Anna Navarro! She is fabulous! Her only flaw is that she is Republican! I say a little prayer everyday hoping that she converts! We NEED her on our side!
But since our Passover Seder, where I had asked my four teenage grandkids to please write a prayer for the end of the Seder and pertaining to all the previous week’s news of Parkland and how we can incorporate it into our Seder, I am brain-fried—doesn’t mean CNN is not still my drug of choice—I just need a laugh! Do you?
(FYI, before the chuckles, here are a few comments from the grandkids:
Shayna, 14: Passover teaches us that freedom is for all people and our responsibility is to care about everyone’s freedom, whether it’s political or personal. My blessing is that the world uses Passover as an example for all people around the world.
Jacob, 18: When you’re a kid, you often wonder if you have freedom, it has its degrees; when you are ill, are you actually free? Freedom has different meanings for everyone and we have to look at ourselves as to how our actions can best benefit our families, communities and the world in order to keep us all free.
Arianna, 14: Passover relates to our lives today. We have seen so many young people stand up for what they believe in, and like Moses, they are not willing to stop fighting for those beliefs.
Kami: 12: This past weekend, in America and around the world, we saw rallies, walk-outs and marches where people expressed their feelings about gun violence. So many people were quoted as saying, “Until all people are free, none are free.” Right out of the Haggadah! This can be a reminder for us to never give up believing in ourselves and our values!”
Proud to be their Baby Boomer Bubbe!).
So to the funny stuff and a few fun facts—REAL FACTS, not ‘fake news’ facts:
-While at the hairdressers, after having not seen each other for a long while, Sadie and Rose were chatting: “So nu, Rose, how’s that daughter of yours?”
“She’s wonderful, thanks for asking. She married a fantastic man! He’s got such a great job that she doesn’t have to work anymore. She stays at home, never has to cook because he always takes her out, he hired a maid so she doesn’t have to clean and he got a nanny so she doesn’t have to schlep the kids anywhere.”
Then Sadie asks, “And how is your son?”
With distain, Rose replies, “His life is awful! He married a bitch from hell! She never cooks and makes him take her out to dinner every night, G-d forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so he got her a maid. He works like a dog so she doesn’t have to work and he got a nanny so she doesn’t even have to take care of my grandson!”
-The Wedding…Sammy called his Bubbe from New Mexico….
“It’s so nice to hear from you, Sammela. Tell me, vhat’s nu?’
“I’m getting married, Bubbe!”
“My Sammela is getting married, mazel tov! Tell me all about her and her family.”
‘Well, they’re not like our people, Bubbe, they are Native Americans.”
“So, they’re first generation.”
“No, you don’t understand. They live on a reservation.”
“Sammela, so what? Your own mother couldn’t cook at all until I taught her and she was always making reservations.”
“No, Bubbe, you don’t understand. We are getting married in a teepee.”
“Oh, that’s nice. Nu, so when is the wedding?”
“Bubbe, I have to tell you something, you won’t be able to come to the wedding.”
“But why, Sammela, your Bubbe has to be at your wedding! I was the first to diaper you, feed you, walk you to kindergarten, gave you your tallis at your Bar Mitzvah!”
“I’m so sorry, but only Native Americans and persons with Indian names can attend.”
“Well, then, I will be there.”
“How, Bubbe? You don’t have an Indian name.”
“Oh, yes, Sammela, I do.”
“What is it, Bubbe? What is your Indian name?”
Fun facts for when there’s a lull in the conversation…
-Cherry tomatoes were engineered in Israel
-After Tokyo and New York, Tel Aviv has the most sushi restaurants per capita
-Israel has the world’s highest rate of entrepreneurship among women
-There are more than 40 kosher McDonald’s in Israel; the only other outside Israel is in Buenos Aires.
-Israel’s cows produce more milk than cows from other countries
-The Car Ride…Moshe was at his golf club and after he finished his game he went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a ride home as his own car was being serviced that day.
“Sure,” said Morrie, “I’ll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just over there.”
As they’re driving along, Moshe says, “Morrie, what’s that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?”
“That’s my digital clock.”
A few minutes later, Moshe asks, “And what’s that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?”
“That’s my tachometer,” says Morrie.
Then a few more minutes go by and Moshe starts to ask, “But what’s that…?
“Hold on a minute, Moshe,” says Morrie, plumped up like a peacock. “I can see you’ve never been in a Rolls Royce before.”
“Never in the front seat,” says Moshe.
More Fun Facts…
-Israelis who observe Shabbat can buy car insurance that costs less because it doesn’t cover Saturdays
-Israel’s Save a Child’s Heart organization performs life-saving heart operations for children worldwide, including Palestinians, free of charge
-Israel has its own day-long festival of love, called Tu B’Av
-Jerusalem has over 1500 public parks and gardens
-Coffee and cafés are so good in Israel that it’s the only country where Starbucks failed trying to break into the local markets
-More than nine out of 10 Israeli homes use solar power to heat water
-Israel is the first country to place a ban on the use of underweight models on the catwalks
-You can buy humus-flavored ice cream in Jaffa
-In 1992, Israel experienced such a severe winter that it snowed in the Negev desert
-Haifa’s subway system is one of the smallest in the world with four cars and just over one mile of track
-Buses around Israel have signs that quote the biblical passage: You shall rise before the aged and show deference to the old
The Hospital Visit…An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says,
“Sir, are you comfortable?”
The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”
Well, Almost Every Day…The cool Chabad rabbi worked hard to attract younger families to his congregation so he learned current vernacular, kept up with the “in” texting jargon and wanted his people to have faith that he was always there for them, “Just know I’m available 24/6.”
Not only does an apple a day keep the doctor away, so does a good laugh!
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