Grandparent Kaddish

When a grandparent must endure the pain of the death of a grandchild, the pain is intensified when the grandparent — by virtue of NOT being a direct mourner — feels isolated and distant from the shiva house. 

Mourning the loss of a beloved grandchild is so difficult – add to that seeing your child mourning the death of their child — incomprehensible.

Seeing YOUR child’s name AND your grandchild’s name on the same matzevah is unfathomable. In this shiva house, in this, the home of my child, oddly, I sit without anything spiritual to bring comfort or peace to my soul. There is nothing for me to hold on to, as I walk through this valley of deepest darkness.

This shiva house belongs to my son and daughter-in-law, as it must be. 

The Kaddish prayer the Rabbi offers them, is their spiritual hanger to hang their tears on, as it should be.

The rabbi that leads the service addresses them in their time of need, as it should be. 

The wonderful, thoughtful sensitive visitors upon entering the house, give the parents words of comfort first, as they should. 

The needed and considerate trays of food arrive at the Shiva house for the direct mourners, the parents, as it should be.

All 7 days, the shiva house is busy, as it should be.

YET —

As a grandparent — It was also MY heart that was wrenched and shattered upon learning of the death of my beloved grandchild.

It was also MY very being that was overcome in anguish when I saw MY son’s tortured face as the aron was lowered.

It was also MY sorrow seeing the pain in the faces of MY other grandchildren. 

It is MY heart that screamed silently as it watched MY son say Kaddish for his son. 

The trauma of the death is carved into MY very soul.

It is MY complete and utter feeling of being totally stranded in a sea of pain and sadness — where there is no ritual, tradition, custom or even prayer for grandparents to hang our tears on.

 A grandparent may feel completely and utterly stranded in a sea of pain and sadness — where there is no ritual, tradition, custom or even prayer for grandparents to hang our tears on.

What bit of consolation can a grandparent find in a shiva house for which we are — understandably, and realistically — removed from most of the shiva rituals, and are perhaps more like onlookers, apart and looking in?   

And so, I offer my own prayer for grandparents at this unbearably difficult, exquisitely painful and most agonizing time.

ZACHOR  Prayer for  Unacknowledged Mourners 

G-d, It was always our earnest prayer that our children be spared all pain and suffering.

We yearned — May this be your will. 

G-d, It was always our impassioned prayer that our children all warrant peace and serenity in their lives. 

We yearned — May this be your will. 

G-d, It was always our fervent prayer that you, the Almighty, see to it that our children are unhampered by illness or tragedy.

We yearned — May this be your will. 

But, today we are devastated — all our heartfelt prayers have gone unheeded!!  

We are devastated — all our hopes, dreams, and wishes for this grandchild have evaporated into nothingness!

We are devastated — as all our fierce petitions for his safety and health were for naught!!

We are devastated – Hashem, weren’t you listening???   Didn’t you hear my cries and supplications to keep, safeguard and protect my beloved grandchild??? 

Though I prayed with all my heart, my heart has been ripped apart 

Though I prayed with great kavanah that my grandchild be well and healthy, my very soul has been fractured 

Though I prayed with total emunah … I am overwhelmed and totally brokenhearted that my beloved grandchild has left this life  ……

I am distraught that my pleas and petitions fell on deaf ears!!! 

Adonai, we beseech you to allow us, the grandparents, to be strong for OUR children, to be stalwart for the sake of the other grandchildren and yet to be kind to ourselves in our own grief 

May we all find, in due time, the strength to move forward with kindness, patience and tolerance 

G-d, please,  PLEASE –  grant menuchah nechonah — a true rest, to my beloved grandchild and may he soar ON the wings of Shechinah —

                                                             AMEN

I am shattered and beside myself with grief 4 times over — once for having to witness my own child’s pain saying good bye to their child, and then for my own pain saying goodbye to my beloved grandchild.

Once more, watching the mother/father searching to make sense of her/his loss of child, and then, once again, being faced with the siblings who just do not understand. 

This is NOT the right order. There is something definitely amiss when a doting, loving grandmother (grandfather) will not be needed any longer to tell stories of the past to her/his beloved grandchild, or to see that special smile when I may say “YES” after they may had heard “NO.” 

I am beyond distraught and I am heavily burdened with the onus of realizing I AM old and “here”, and they ARE young and “there!!” 

My heart is so very, very heavy  — I am in need of a ritual, a rite, a prayer to lift my hands to the skies….

I stuff my tears down deep to appear strong for my child.

I see my child suffering and in pain and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I can do, to ease their way.

Ribbono Shel Olam — please help all of us to carry this intense heavy burden of loss without any additional hurdles. 

Hashem, Please — without delay — allow healing of our spirit and healing of our hearts as we begin to accept what we cannot change  

Adonai, we beseech you to allow us, the grandparents, to be strong for OUR children, to be stalwart for the sake of the other grandchildren and yet to be kind to ourselves in our own grief. 

May we all find, in due time, the strength to move forward with kindness, patience and tolerance. 

G-d, please,  PLEASE — grant menuchah nechonah — a true rest, to my beloved grandchild and may he soar ON the wings of Shechinah

AMEN