Seeing Things and Making Choices

(This column is adapted from a teaching I delivered at MOSh, a “Zoomagogue” where I sometimes attend Shabbos morning services).

Perhaps you know the old story about the elephant passing through a rural village. There were four blind men in the village, who were excited to learn about this animal. The first one touched the elephant’s side, and said, “It’s so smooth and round. It feels like a large ball.” The second  touched the elephant’s leg,  “It’s so smooth and round. It feels like a large cylinder.” The next one  touched it’s ear, and  said, “It’s so smooth and round. It feels like a large fan.” The last one touched the tail, and said, “It’s so smooth and round. It feels like a large rope.” The point? That people can “look” at the same situation, “see” the same thing, and have completely different visions.

We see so many things in our world that we feel we have no choice about. Things appear so huge that from our perspective that they are plainly out of our control. Yet Torah often reminds us of our choices. Big ones. I have put before you life and death, blessing and curse. Choose life. (Deuteronomy 30:19). The Torah reminds us that how we see things, and the choices we make when we see them, can alter our lives, and the lives of those around us. Our individual choices make a difference, even when we see a world full of people behaving in evil ways. Turn on the news, and mostly that is all you will see.

But I say our choices matter, and that is the heart of being human: We get to choose how to respond in any given situation. The choices are always right in front of us if we open our eyes. We must continually and consistently decide how to respond. Sometimes we choose wisely, sometimes we don’t. And sometimes we don’t choose at all. But that, in itself, is a choice.

I am primarily a “visual learner.” I prepared for tests in law school by seeing sections of the texts we had read in my mind, and I recall experiences better if I can see them in my head as if they were on a VCR  in my brain.

(You all remember VCRs? They were devices that play tape recordings. And I still say “I taped that for us to watch later,” when there is no tape anywhere in our digital world.)

But if we are really seeing something, it is more than just optical. Before we can make good decisions, our eyes need to be fully open, and also our hearts. We must be awake to the choice in front of us.  

In 1995, I was about two years out of almost 20 years in the practice of divorce litigation. The litigation had just so been so hard on me that I had to just stop practicing. It was heartbreaking to see so many broken families, mothers and fathers, and especially children, suffering. But then, one of my friends, actually a competitor in the divorce business, came to me and asked what it would take to get me back into the divorce field. He said that people like me were needed. At first I just pooh-poohed him. I thought that perhaps he was teasing me because in our last case, he had kicked my butt. Was that why he wanted me back? My reaction, my automatic reaction, was I don’t wanna, I’m not gonna, you can’t make me.

I was at that time very comfortable doing nice clean legal work. I was making a nice

living. I usually got paid, and even in advance. I didn’t have clients yelling at each other across the room. But then I took it into my heart to really look and see: why did I run into him at that time of my life, and what he was saying to me. What was I being told? I decided that indeed my presence could make a difference. Within a year I was back in the divorce field, but as a mediator, not a litigator. Once again I sometimes had clients who would yell at each other. So I helped them deal with the anger, upset, and fear that was overwhelming their commitment to their children. 

I ended up working with more than a thousand couples, most of whom transformed their relationship from one of a non-working marital relationship to one of a working parental relationship, I always thought of that as my legacy: all those divorcing couples who saved lots of money and aggravation and did not have to really deal with lawyers. But as I think about it, I see, I realize, I understand, that it is way more than that. Sure, I had made a choice that actually made my life better, doing something I ended up loving. But because I saw a need, and made a choice, there were thousands of children, who, grew up in stable, loving, family relationships, even with two separate households. Really, when I look at it, I made a choice, to get involved, and that allowed for Tikkun Olam, one couple at a time.

And seven years ago I made a similar radical choice. I opened my eyes and heart to something I thought had escaped me, the chance to become clergy. And last year, as all of you who have seen my column know, I received ordination. My practice is now what I call pastoral rabbinics, working with people to aid and comfort and teach and even lead them. And I have given myself purpose in this last act of my life, and hopefully, one more opportunity to leave the world a better place than I found it.

In a world filled with people doing evil things, the choice to do good, to help is one we can all make. Open your eyes and your heart, and choose.