That is the Question on this Mother’s Day!
Is that a real question or a cultural symbol/stereotype of our people? Does one choose to be a Jewish Mother or did the Ashkenazi Jewish real-life experiences of Eastern European communities follow our immigrant relatives to the shores of the New World?
Regardless of the thread that weaves a very ethnic tradition among Jews, most likely we all have experienced the wrath, guilt, demands, fury and smothering of love and food of a Jewish Mother in some form or another! And let’s note, there is NOTHING like the logic of a Jewish Mother!
Because mothers were central to family life and preserving the Jewish traditions (not the religious aspects of life — that was the job of the Papa, as Tevya would say!), she was responsible for the success of her children. To be a learned scholar for her sons was every mother’s dream while hopefully her daughters made a glorious shidduch (marriage) and bore many children.
The self-sacrificing, food-obsessed, overprotective and guilt-inducing characteristics of the Jewish Mother were defined and perpetuated by the American Jewish comics of the Borscht Belt, the radio and TV Gertrude Berg’s portrayal of “The Goldbergs,” “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel,” “Shtisel,” and movies like Philip Roth’s “Portnoy’s Complaint,” “Bye Bye Braverman,” “Heartburn,” “Mother,” and my favorites, “Fiddler on the Roof,” “Garbo Talks,” and “Crossing Delancy.”
Let’s remember our beloved comedians who help us recognize the pain of being Jewish through comedy to make life a bit easier, like Jackie Mason, Myron Cohen, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Don Rickles, Gilda Radner, Woody Alan, Joan Rivers, Billy Crystal, Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Sarah Silverman and one of the funniest of new is a wonderful comedian who I follow on Facebook named Modi Rosenfeld, who I highly recommend you watch. They have all entertained us with belly laughs and tears in our eyes because we see ourselves, our mothers and grandmothers and our Jewish lives before us while teaching us the Jewish Mother is not universal to us individually but to our unique Jewish heritage and culture that is critical to preserving our history.
With origins of celebrating mothers and goddesses in Ancient Greece and Rome circa sixth century BCE along with the UK in the 16th century, Mother’s Day originated in the United States in the early 20th century with official recognition by President Woodrow Wilson in 1914 and celebrated on the second Sunday in May, as a national holiday.
Whether it’s family brunch, picnics, dinners, cards and gifts, we take time to honor those who gave us life, guided our growth, fed us, cleaned us, shed tears with and for us, each Jewish Mother owns a story in our hearts. With the help of an array of people, I compiled some of those precious moments that I hope will resonate with you and bring you a feeling of warmth and belonging knowing that we share beloved stories of commonality within our Jewishness.
And as we celebrate Mother’s Day on May 11, let’s remember the Woman of Valor who shows inner strength, resilience, moral courage, leadership in community, tzedakah and most importantly, as no one can take away the profound status of a Jewish Mother, we express our gratitude and love for our Mothers and Grandmothers.
Steven: I have memories as a young child of hearing family members talking in Yiddish and suddenly my Grandmother would scrunch up her face and with distain say “Ptu! Ptu! Ptu!” while make a spitting noise! When I was older, I finally asked my Mother what that was all about and she explained it was a way to keep the Evil Eye away from us so we wouldn’t have bad luck and we would be surrounded by protection. My Grandmother’s face in those moments bring me joy as I really believe she always has been my protector!
Sheila: Days before every Rosh Hashanah and Pesach, I would take my Mother to Fairfax Avenue in Los Angeles, which from the early 20th century was the hub of Jewish life in LA. To her, it was the only place in LA that had authentic Jewish/Kosher foods. This twice-a-year experience turned out to be so embarrassing for me that I would wait outside the various stores for her! She would ask the butcher for a chicken. He would start to wrap it up and she would scream at him to “STOP!” “Vhat’s wrong?” he would ask. She (every time) would say to him, “How fresh is that chicken? How do I know how long it’s been sitting here?” With a growl on his face, and it never failed, the butcher would say, “Lady! You don’t smell as fresh as this chicken!”
She would also question the grocer as to when the celery and carrots were picked and tell the deli man that her pickles were better than his! He would retort, “Then don’t buy mine, make them yourself!” Oy vey! I couldn’t get through to her how mortifying these shopping days were and she would say, “When it’s your hard-earned money you’re spending and it’s your family you’re feeding, you’ll do the same thing!” Lesson learned: DON’T ever question the wisdom of a Jewish Mother!
This video is our Bubbie, filmed by Sandy’s brother, whom the original verses reflect. The baby in the bath is his son.
Sandy: My Bubbie lived with me and my two brothers after our parents were killed in a car accident and she was the quintessential typical Jewish Bubbie! I have so many stories but these are truly the Jewish Mother examples! My brother, Neal, was an athlete, strong, sturdy, a real jock! But every week when it was garbage day, she wouldn’t say a word to Neal about taking the cans out to the front of the house the night before — NO! She would wake up at 5:00am the next morning and schlep the cans herself! When I would yell at her saying I would do it, she was determined in her resolve that I did too much for her, and “Besides, Neakala shouldn’t schlep things because he needs his sleep because he has to have his strength for his sports and I wouldn’t maybe want him to hurt himself and not be able to play ball!”
Sandy: Unrelenting in her devotion and protection of me and my two brothers, our Bubbie had three opportunities to find herself in front of judges. The first was when 16-year-old Fred got a ticket, I think for speeding not long after he got his driver’s license. While he presented himself before the judge and was answering the judge’s questions, Bubbie, in her Yiddish/Russian accent, kept interrupting him and saying, “Judge! He’s a good boy! He does his homework! His mother and father died in a car crash! He’s a good boy! He wouldn’t do anything bad!” The judge kept saying, “Lady, sit down! I’m sure he’s a good boy!” She persisted; but paid the fine.
When I was planning my wedding and my finances were tied up in probate after my parent’s death, we had to go to court to get funds for the wedding. Bubbie did her thing by standing up in the courtroom, yelling out, “Judge! Her parents were killed in a car crash, she needs more money for a beautiful vedding! That’s not enough money, Judge! Who can plan a zedding with that bissel amount!” Once again she was told to sit down and be quiet! Don’t ask if she kept quiet! Oy vey, G-d love her, she was our hero!
After being in America for almost 50 years, Bubbie decided to go through the process of becoming a US citizen! She took the classes and passed all the tests (as a young girl in Ukraine, she was educated at the gymnasium so she was very intelligent and well read).
Before she was sworn in, she was escorted to sit in front of a judge who said to her: “Madam, please explain to me what the system of checks and balances is.” as she told the story to us, she said, in her Yiddish/Russian accent–that she claimed she did not have!–“I got out of mine chair, leaned forward, and looked directly into the eyes of the judge and said, “You vatch my back! I vatch yours!” Hail to the new citizen of the United States of America!
Fred: Back in late 1979, my girlfriend and I had been living together in Oakland, California for about six months. Then, out of nowhere, my grandmother, Bubbie, who had raised me since I was seven, announced that she was coming to visit us from Los Angeles for a weekend.
Bubbie, who was only five feet tall, flew to San Francisco and arrived with three huge suitcases. My car was barely big enough for two, and she was only supposed to be there until Sunday. The drive was quiet until I finally broke the ice, “Bubbie, why do you have so much luggage?”
In her usual dismissive tone with a heavy Ashkenazi Yiddish accent, she replied, “Because I’m not leaving until you’re engaged!”
“Wait! What?! That’s great, but we’re not there yet. We’re having fun, working hard, but we haven’t even talked about whether or not marriage is in the cards for us.”
“That’s fine, but I’m not leaving until you’re engaged!”
“But you left Pa (grandfather) at home alone, how’s he going to take care of himself?”
“I prepared all his meals, left them in the fridge, and there’s more in the freezer. So dat’s dat! I’m not leaving until you’re engaged!!”
I was completely shocked and confused. The awkward silence in the car lingered until we finally arrived at our cozy one-bedroom Oakland rental.
Bubbie, being the impulsive one she is, couldn’t resist her mission when she walked in the door. She held court all night. We couldn’t help but laugh and throw up our hands in disbelief. After we tucked Bubbie in on the sofa bed, Joanne and I had a long, serious conversation in our room. We were determined to get her to leave by the end of the weekend.
The next morning, we announced that we were engaged! Bubbie was so proud of herself that she crossed her arms, raised her eyebrows, and simply said, “Nu? Vat did I tell ya?”
Nearly 45 years later, we still can’t help but laugh about all the hilarious things Bubbie said and did. Like many of her insights, she was absolutely right!
Joanne: My husband of 45 years & I moved in together which, in my mother’s mind, meant we would be living in sin. Shortly thereafter, she said that she & my dad would be giving us a sofa bed as an engagement present. “But we’re not engaged,” I said. She replied, “I can handle you living together if you’re going to get married. So, when you do get engaged, you’ll know that we already gave you the gift!”
Debra: As a little girl, I wondered why my grandmother would bite on a sugar cub before she took a sip of her tea. When I was older, I asked her why she did that and her answer was, “Because that’s what my grandmother did! So I do it!” A true example of Jewish tradition!
(The tradition of biting down on a cube of sugar while drinking tea is believed to have originated in Russia and parts of Eastern Europe. In Russia, this practice is known as Закуска, which means drinking in a bite. It dates back to the 18th and 19th centuries when refined sugar was expensive and came in large, solid blocks. People would break off small pieces and hold them between their teeth while sipping tea, allowing the sugar to dissolve gradually.)
Paul: My mom was a great cook. And she just loved to cook everything. As a result, I spent most of my life as a very obese person. My mom’s name was Sydell and this is a perfect quote from her. She made fantastic brownies FYI…“Paul you really need to eat better. You gained some weight but guess what? I made you brownies!!!”
Lynn: My grandmother was 14 when she arrived from Ukraine….she only spoke Yiddish…and never learned to read or write. But….her recipes….all in her head were delicious. I loved her pletzlas….she had a very special green bowl, one of only a few precious articles she was able to bring to the US….Every Shabbat she made these delicious rolls….That died with her.
To BE or NOT to be a Jewish Mother in the 21 century? Can we? Is it possible? Do we want to be? Like many ethnic cultures that came from the Old Country, they brought their traditions and life experiences that created the original, the classic, the difficult, but the most loving, caring and giving Mothers and Grandmothers that have a stature all their own. We honor them for their selflessness, their wisdom and pure devotion to us.
All Women of Valor! Happy Mother’s Day!…Sandy
PS: My son-in-law’s mother recently passed away and I watched her children scramble to find all her important legal NUMBERS, like: Social Security, driver’s license and VIN, health care provider, Medicare, bank accounts, credit cards, unlock phone code, garage door code, computer unlock, etc.!
I immediately sat down and made a list for my kids to have! There are several SAFE ways to hand the info over, like creating a password-protected PDF or Excel file; share via a secure cloud service like Google Drive or Dropbox; print out a hard copy to keep in a safe deposit box or fireproof safe or lockbox secured at home. During the loss of someone, this info can help to make things easier! On this Mother’s Day, ask your mom for her important info.
As a Baby Boomer Bubbe who still feels 18 but has four grand kids to prove this is the 21 Century, Sandra writes to leave a legacy for the next generations. Her belief that these precious kids need to know their cultural and family’s past in order for them to live their future is all the muse she needs!
She has a Master’s Degree in Psychology and Cross Cultural studies, has written a family history, personal memoir and is completing her first novel.
Her grandmother’s journey to America and life is her source for her deep belief and love for Judaism.
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