Our Family Tree of Life: Transgenerational Trauma and Legacy

Recently, my youngest daughter, who is a family/marriage therapist, and I had an interesting conversation about our family trauma issues. I will get to that conversation after I share some backstory.

For the thirteen years I’ve written for Jewish Sacred Aging, the thread I’ve tried to weave is the concept of legacy and its importance for our families to have an identified bank of information that connects the past to the present and most importantly, to the future. I firmly believe one cannot fully move forward in life unless they know where they came from.

And information is the key to connecting the dots to our family histories so we can identify the historical, personal and emotional events that shaped generations of upbringing.

Both sides of my family history have colorful stories. My mother’s and father’s parents, and extended families, all left Russia during the 1917 pogroms, making the difficult way to America and struggling with the promise that the “Streets were paved with gold!”

One Italian immigrant set the record straight when he said, “When I arrived in America, I found out three things: First, the streets were not paved with gold. Second: They weren’t paved at all. Third: I was expected to pave them.” That realization may have led my father’s family to connect to the Jewish mafia! Survival was the key!

The history my family knows best are the stories my Bubbe shared, many on video (thank goodness!).

When she lived in Ukraine, she was educated in the gymnasium, which was unusual for a girl. Her grandfather, who raised her because her parents had died, was very rich as a merchant and rabbi. She lost all her family to the pogroms, married as a means to get to America, struggled the rest of her life financially, plus the loss of four children over the years.

The greatest loss to Bubbe was the tragic car accident my parents and I were in that killed my beloved mother and father when I was 16. A drunk driver crashed into us. I was hospitalized for 17 days and out of school and on crutches for three months, but amazingly, I had no life-threatening injuries. It was a traumatic event that affected my grandparents, me and my two younger brothers, our family and our entire close-knit Jewish community.

Words cannot, and have not, adequately expressed the emotions that have lived within me and my brothers for almost 61 years. Needless to say, driving as a passenger has always been a major fear of mine. I take deep beaths and do my best to not exhibit my fears.

My daughter was recently on a retreat that introduced her to some therapeutic exercises that put you in touch with Transgenerational Trauma.

She was always fascinated by her fear of elevators: While I was pregnant with her, I was trapped in an elevator several times! The building we lived in had elevator problems and because we were high up, and I was eight months along, walking up and down stairs wasn’t appealing. So I took my chances on the broken elevator and was caught in-between floors too many times! And for most of her life, my daughter is convinced my being caught in a stuck elevator was transferred in vitro to her and created her fear of elevators!

Coincidence or not, while I was nine months pregnant with my son in 1971, Los Angeles had a 6.6 magnitude earthquake and I gave birth days later in crumbled rubble at the hospital. Ever since, my son has had uncanny emotional predictions of earthquakes! As he did on the morning of October 17, 1989, when the Bay Area had a 6.9 earthquake at 5:04 pm! My family was scattered all over the city and I was a crazy wreck until we all arrived home at midnight! Part of being a California resident!

Transgenerational trauma is the “Transference of traumatic experiences or stressors from one generation to the next.” I’ll let you conclude your opinions on the elevator and earthquake traumas my family has experienced but according to the definition, it may apply.

The definition continues with, “Intergenerational trauma is believed to be passed down through genetic changes to a person’s DNA after they have experienced trauma, such as war, natural disasters, physical bodily harm, unexpected fear, severe pain, stressors, loss, deprivation, and more, while there is some evidence that these genetic markers are passed onto a person’s offspring and affects how one behaves, thinks and feels.

I’m fascinated with the concept that the effects of trauma can actually be passed on via DNA. While understanding that DNA is an informational molecule that stores instructions for making larger molecules called proteins, where the instructions are stored inside cells and distributed among 46 chromosomes via genes. These genes give us our unique physical genetic characteristics and as scientists are learning, our generational trauma information.

Breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma is to first acknowledge the trauma, seek help from healthcare professionals and connect with a supportive community who have similar experiences.

Think of the atrocities families in the Ukraine, Afghanistan, Central Africa, Ethiopia, Libya and Somalia are experiencing today and what will be passed on to the next generations! Will their experiences of war-torn tragedy live within their families for years to come? Science says most likely.

Bringing Transgenerational Trauma to the Jewish community and children of Holocaust survivors and Israeli terror victims is an entire story on its own. If you are interested in learning more about this subject, I highly recommend a book by Rabbi Tirzah Firestone, PhD, Wounds Into Wisdom, where she shares her research on how the past simply does not go away and the effects of the unspoken vital history of our ancestors can create profound patterns of unnecessary pain for future generations.

My discussion with my daughter involved her letting me off the hook for transferring her fears of elevators and anxiety when any of us travel (part of my experience from being away from home, only 15 miles, at the time of the car accident) because she did acknowledge I NEVER verbally expressed those fears out loud but now knows they are a result of transgenerational trauma via DNA!

I can’t tell you how relieved I was because as her mom, I felt responsible for her personal dreads, jitters, and apprehensions!

We talked about how I felt regarding the issues while she articulated her years of feeling the burden she carried: She felt guilty and afraid if she traveled it would create anxiety for me. She hugged me and said, “Not your fault, okay, just a little!” We laughed!

I have wondered long and hard how my bubbe’s life and background affected my mother’s and my life and personal traumas. For another time!

Transgenerational trauma and legacy: I have met older people who would never share or discuss their lives during the Holocaust or as veterans of WWII or Vietnam with family members. This is the link that I believe is vitally important to give as a gift to our younger generations. They must have the thread, information, that connects them to their family history and personal stories that includes their strong qualities and even the weaker ones, so they can learn and appreciate what makes them who they are.

We all come from others and are pieces of a puzzle that make up our family tree. Branches are connected for a reason and by helping to add leaves, the stories and information, to fill that tree so it can blossom into a strong and beautiful part of the landscape as our legacy, is up to us. We all have stories to share, now is the time for baby boomers to sit, video or audio those precious and meaningful stories. Add to your family’s “Tree of Life,” give a gift to the next generations.